Hey there, Ali here
I refer back to a conversation I had this morning with a friend of mine, she’s going to send her step son back to his birth mother and family because they say they have a job for him. It was one of the most difficult decisions she could ever make, but her step son has been out of school for about a year and has been actively seeking work with no hits, so when she found out there was a job available for him on the other side of the country, she was inclined to send him there so he could start making his own way.
She’s always had to make the hard decisions, has always believed that she is not raising children but raising “new adults” her hubby is not very good at making any of the hard decisions, so she’s constantly the bad guy. She cares maybe a little too much about what everyone else thinks of her, and has always tried to please everyone. She knows that her step sons birth mum will take credit for everything wanted about her son, and will blame my friend on everything unwanted.
The kids (there’s two of them) have been living with their Dad since their birth mum left them, I asked her how it happened, and she told me that their birth mum said “I just grabbed the things most important to me and left.” If you ask me their birth mum has no right to call the kids hers and judge my friend. The kids call my friend Mum, she’s been Mum for at least 11 years. She has brought these kids up throughout their whole life (with the help of their Dad of course), and they weren’t even hers. She has done more then she ever needed to, and she has been chastised by her whole family because they didn’t come from her. I blame the story of Cinderella for all this hatred towards Step mums.
It’s for this reason (and some others that I don’t want to go into) that she is struggling with very low self esteem, she believes in fate and karma and that life is punishing her because of some deal she made in a past life. I’m not saying this is completely wrong, but you can still choose how to react to the shit karma and fate throw at you.
First things first, playing the victim will never get you out of your hole. By playing the victim you are handing control over to some one (or something) else. You are the only person who has control of you’re life. Life will throw shit at you, the main difference between a successful person and an unsuccessful person is how they choose to deal with it, how they choose to allow it to influence them. Do not allow anybody, or anything else negatively affect the way you feel about yourself. Once you understand this concept everything else you want will come.
Secondly you will NEVER be able to please everybody, there will always be people who dislike you, you are fighting a losing battle, why waste time and energy on pretending to be the person everyone else wants you to be? You are again handing that control over to someone else, if they don’t like you, you are left hurting and second guessing yourself, so why put yourself out there. You need to be you, you need to embrace you, stop trying to fit into a mold, because you’ll never be comfortable in yourself..
What happens when you try to fit in shoes that don’t fit (literally not metaphorically), you have sore feet, if they are too big you’ll get blisters, you’ll trip over your toes, and if they are too small there’s many more issues that will come about like broken toes, squished feet, cramps etc. either way your feet end up sore, bloody and bruised, so why would you buy shoes that don’t fit?
You have almost complete control over your life, you can choose who you want in it (to an extent), who you don’t want in it (to an extent), who you make friends with, who you make enemies with and how you humour them, who you care for, what you care for, how you care for it, how you influence people, how you are influenced by people, how you look, what you eat, what you drink, what you wear etc. If there is someone that has entered your life that you don’t want in it, but you can’t avoid them (in this case it’s my friends step-kids birth mum), you can control how they make you feel.
I remember something a little girl said to her mum, the little girl was being naughty, and her mum said to her “You are making me angry!” in which the little girl responded “Nobody can make you feel or do anything Mum, you choose to feel that way”. Always keep these words in mind. Nothing can make you feel or do anything, you choose how you want to deal with it.
Sometimes you need to learn not to care, I know that sounds horrible but is true. There are some things you just have to learn not to care about. You cannot control how you make somebody else feel, but you can control how you deal with the way somebody else feels. So why care about how somebody else feels about you, unless it’s worth it. You can choose who or what you want to care about, and who or what you don’t want to care about.
You need to remember there’s a difference between hating and not caring, if you don’t care you should feel meh about it, by hating you still care, you are using a huge amount of energy and anger by hating, if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t bother.
For that in which you do hate you need to learn to not care, it makes you a better person, and it’s fuckloads easier on your mind, body and soul.
For those you wish to influence you need to love, not caring will not influence them at all, and hating them will only influence them in an undesired way.
Once you embrace you for you, and you learn to control your reactions and emotions, you will be ready for anything that life throws at you and tackle it head on successfully.
x Ali x